A life of no regrets
A good friend of mine shared that due to covid he has lost over 18 people close to his heart this year alone. This made me think of my mother and my father and how my choices made it easier to say goodbye to them. Am sharing in the hope that it will help others to live a life of no regrets.
I was always a very selfish person in my professional pursuits and lifestyle. I loved living around the world, working for different organisations and being able to move quickly from country to country with little but a few pieces of luggage. I used to fly to different cities and countries literally almost every 2nd weekend for many years. When my father came 2nd best in his race with cancer I was living a globetrotting life which meant that I actually only saw my parents for literally a handful of days a year (possibly 10–15 days — though of course daily contact). The one “advantage” of cancer is that it is a wake up call to remind you that you have limited time with your loved ones (vs a car accident for example).
My father and I bonded (I even made him write his life story one email at the time over a few years so that it would not be forgotten). Am so glad we did it. At the end I had to make a decision that no child should ever have to make when his pain got too much. He passed away at his Olievenfontein Farm, fondly known as the “Baron de Waterberg”.
His passing made me realise that I had also neglected the connection to my mother who at the time was 65 or so which made me decide to quit my job at Goldman Sachs and move to South Africa where my mother was living. It also gave me the impetus to quit my career focus and start my entrepreneurial focus.
The 9 years I spent with her was the best thing I could have done. We always had a great bond, but now we became amazing friends (not that living with one’s mom is always easy of course but overall it was awesome). When I took her to the airport on the evening of her flight to Zurich I hugged her tightly, we laughed and she boarded the plane for her last trip. She arrived in St Moritz in the morning after a beautiful train ride through the alps and collapsed in the apartment while laughing with friends (the doctor who was trying to resuscitate her called me to ask if to continue or to stop after advising me that if he continued and their airlift her to the hospital by helicopter there was a high probability of her being in a coma for life…
That’s not a call you want to receive, but in my heart I know I made the right decision. She always told me that if she gets too ill she wants to take a ‘pill’’and end it — the pill should be properly hidden in a box of champagne truffels of course).
She left us while laughing with friends overlooking the stunning mountains of St Moritz. I don’t ever regret having worked longer for a company.I don’t regret for a moment that I had the opportunity to become closer to her. I don’t ever regret having focused on living a full life with those whom I love and care for rather than just earning money somewhere around the world.
So my advice to you is…
- Spend the time with your family (and if you find it painful to meet the parents/grandparents every 2nd weekend at their home start doing more trips and activities with them to shift your perception of time with them from pain to pleasure).
- Talk with your friends, colleagues and loved ones about the things that sit on your heart. Even if you don’t resolve them, get them off your chest.
- Don’t live a life of regrets. As the saying goes, we regret more the things we didn’t do than the things we did.
- Don’t take everything so seriously.
- Make an effort to incorporate different ways to spend quality time with your parents. If sitting at their home for lunch/dinner bores you then plan with them things and go places.
- Start some longevity projects with your parents and grandparents (e.g this is an initiative we launched a few months back to help families capture their parent’s and grandparents wisdom for perpetuity https://familywisdom.thinkific.com/
- Invest and really work at growing your relationship with those you care about. Real bonding and growth doesn’t just happen, and growth isn’t always easy, but it really is worth it. It is why I love my amazing Tamar Goren so much — we never take each other for granted and constantly work at our relationship, at supporting each other and at growing with each other and as individuals.
In case of interest here is the article I wrote about mom as I was on the plane from South Africa to Switzerland that same evening after the call from the doctor… https://yzp.medium.com/alice-in-afrika-a-little-tribute-to-my-mother-with-a-lessons-for-all-of-us-2e5c377c43f9
Here’s to a life of no regrets.
York
